I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
