He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My vagina just clenched in fear
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
