Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
