I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
