Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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