Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
