My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
