He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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