my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
