apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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