porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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