At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
