You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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