You made me cry and you don't even care
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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