My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
