So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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