Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
A bitchslap is in order.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
