Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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