The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
