were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
