I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
