Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
