She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
