To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
