There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
