We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
