I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
