I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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