You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Randomize
