I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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