I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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