omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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