a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
