sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
