Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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