We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
