I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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