I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
