no, he came in my armpit
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
