WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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