We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
try to milk me bitch
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
