there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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