My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
