is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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