yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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