Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
