I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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