omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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