dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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