my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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