do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Please don't give away my fajitas
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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